If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
