I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
They took my balls.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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