nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
