my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
