Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Ketchup is God's man juice
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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