"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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