There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
we should paint friendship bongs
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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