I wish I could punch you in the face.
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
