I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
