you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
