so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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