I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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