We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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