My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
