i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
