cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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