Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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