I can't breathe out the right side of my face
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.