Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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