just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
