is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
