guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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