I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
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