i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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