she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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