the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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