I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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