So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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