every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
