I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i came on her dog
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
