im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i wish my penis had a tongue
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
