he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
