suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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