hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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