Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
