I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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