i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
