So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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