already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Randomize
