doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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