i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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