WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
