Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
