wakey wakey hands off snakey
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I smell stomach acid.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
