I have demons in me.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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