I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
