Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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