i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
