I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
