Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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