can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
