The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm going to jail i love you
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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