If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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