i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
