I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
