i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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