She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
