a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
