he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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