Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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