Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
