he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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