I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
